Flashback to December 15th

December 15th, 2008

I am going to write more often, as I can feel my intentionality begin to slip when I get too distracted by mundane things, like streaming Grey’s Anatomy in Belgrade. I have only been in Barcelona a few hours, but am already quite taken by it, energized, inspired… Partly it’s the great public transportation. Also I am realizing how isolating it actually was to have spent the last two months in a country whose language I didn’t speak or even understand at all, although words keep popping out of my mouth as I’m speaking Spanish in this weird reversal of me being the Spanish-speaking freak in Serbia, ha. But it’s like this marvelous overload of understanding, where suddenly all the signs have meaning for me again so it’s this constant exciting auditory overload of overheard conversations and that constant visual onslaught of words, like the blur of the metro. In Belgrade and Budapest just “surviving” was an accomplishment, so I forgot to miss the immersment of language. Partly also, I am feeling so stimulated and grateful for the fine company.

Isabel and Fernando (I couch-surfed with them) are so kind, so open minded, so intelligent and wise. I feel honored to be welcomed into their home, and it’s also like getting a bit of Dawn as well, as I know she was here… Literally conversing with these marvelous people and sleeping in this same bed. So much of my year is completely solitary, something to share with people who I then leave behind, and with no-one to share “remember whens” with. Also, honestly, it’s a bit of a head trip to know that Andrew was here a year ago this time. We are so good at just missing one another, and I can’t help but wonder, ‘did he run to catch this metro too?’ ‘was he also moved by this?’ ‘did he love this about Barcelona too?’ And knowing both of us, and that the answers are probably yes, is strange.

I can’t tell if it feels heart-rendingly lonely or comforting; am I somehow sharing in their experiences/story or have I missed it entirely and so am even more alone? Maybe it can be both strange and comforting to know that people I love have also gotten acquainted and maybe fallen for this city, that they have walked these same streets. I picture our “ghost” selves, I don’t mean dead, just passed, brushing through each other- it’s this visual image I can’t quite convey but has something in common with the idea Kels and I have talked about so much of those cities where your layers of memory and previous selves crowd the corners, parks, cafes, fire-escapes, and roofs: familiar streets with this shimmering golden layer of the past.

Fear of forgetting

I should write more. Or I may forget how the reflection of the Alahambra was more vibrant than the reality. Or how sweet was the tea, smoke and company. How we climbed the fence, and I felt the muscle memory of this body; this similar spontaneous self hopping other barriers, trees and rooftops that magical summer I chose life. I'm glad I haven't lost that girl. Or, I might forget the joy of meeting new people, sharing titles full of possibility - "The Hour of the Star" or "The Cherry Orchard" on scraps of paper and through talking about mutual passions, reveal again to myself the parts I like best.

Afraid too, I will forget the simple pleasure of being suspended in a hot safe web of water will connected to a sister, and also a Christmas eve where two Italians cooked paella and sangria in Granada, Spain for Kiwis, Mexicans, Americans, Brazilians, Russians.... Then midnight mass and a sleep so profound. Holidays have become bookmarks for making meaning of the passing of time. I am always glad for an opportunity to celebrate. I am thinking about the pleasure of the right song in the right moment and the satisfaction of motion, on the long bus ride to Granada as we pass endless orange groves. I carry curry, flax-seed and tea in my backpack, and in Valencia we found fresh basil and dates in this incredible market.

I hope I do forget fearing my body has betrayed me, though I did everything right... May nothing come of it. I try to send these messages with great intention to circulate along with my red blood cells. This fear was less when there were two to share it.

Will I lose the sea wind in my hair in Valencia, or the familiarity of smoky salsa bars, and the brave passion of Flamenco: the liberty of shedding material possessions, the purity of eating fresh earthy things and home-made wine in the Sierra Nevada over an icy stream through which snow-melt flows.

AmAr a tu Cuerpo Horario de actividades (Love Your Body Workshop and activities)

The lovely Stina and I facilitated and planned the following workshop in Quinto, Spain (near Zaragoza) the 20th. We received very positive feedback, learned so much, and felt so privileged to meet such an incredible group of women! The group was very multi-generational (20-somethings up to women in their 70´s) and we were moved to see abuelitas rolling around on the ground during the taking up space activity, as well as the heart and authenticity with which women openly shared and celebrated their bodies!




Love Your Body Workshop (Quinto, Spain) --Dec. 20th, 2008

Supplies: paper, markers/crayons, note cards, music gear +CD, beverages, chairs, tables, string/yarn, magazine (women’s, porn, etc.), women!

1. Introduction
Us: Background
Them (Introducing themselves with a motion/sound to be present in body, everyone repeats it.

Opening group thoughts: Why did you come today?
What is body image?

2. Questions/Statements (move to corners for strongly agree, agree, disagree, strongly disagree)

3. Magazine images: walk around and look at them (musical chairs style: when music stops, everyone stop and ‘vent’ about the image.)

4. Show Dove commercial about how a model is made up and photo-shopped.

5. Taking up space: women’s bodies getting smaller, our motions controlled. A few minutes of big moving!

Break

6. Write a letter to your body: if your body could tell its story, what would it be?

7. Moment to reflect and be present in body: What is our body proudest of? What is it’s greatest accomplishment?

8. Drawing your BodyLove, share drawings.

9. Web of compliments/support

10. Personal support. On notecards, write 10 things you can do to love your body/love about your body/compliments/things you’ve learned today, etc. (For your own personal use/on your mirror, etc.)

11. Hold hands, squeeze. I love your body, I love my body. Hug yourself.

12. Conclusion: feedback? Learn? Surprises (small debrief). Farewell.

Mingle and music J


1. Introducciones (nos presentamos)
• Presentaciones de todas con gesturas o sonidos y todas las repiten y saludan.
• Pensamientos introductores: ¿Por qué he venido al taller? ¿Para mí personalmente qué significa la imagen corporal?

2. Preguntas y frases/dichos. Mover a esquinas distintas del cuarto para indicar nivel de acuerdo: muy de acuerdo, de acuerdo, no de acuerdo, ¡no no no de acuerdo!

3. Imágenes de la revistas: todas pasen y miran las imágenes con música (cuando acabe la música, todas paran y comentan rápidamente en las imágenes, usando palabras y frases para expresar las primeras impresiones.)

4. Enseñar anuncio por Dove sobre la creación de una foto para un anuncio…la construcción y la artificialidad de la belleza.

5. Hablando del espacio…estamos restringidas, controlamos y reducimos el espacio que ocupamos y nuestras gesturas y movimientos. Romper estos hábitos: tomamos unos minutos con música para mover GRANDE.

Descanso

6. Escribir una carta al cuerpo. Si tu cuerpo pudiera contar su historia, ¿qué sería?

7. Momento para reflejar y estar presente en el cuerpo. ¿De qué está más orgulloso tu cuerpo? ¿Cuál es el hecho o la realización mejor (más orgullosa) de tu cuerpo?

8. Dibuja Amar a tu Cuerpo.

9. Red de apoyo. Decir cosas bonitas/buenas sobre las compañeras en el circulo y pasa el hilo.

10. Apoyo a tí mismo. En las cartas, escribes 10 cosas que puedes hacer para respetar/amar a tu cuerpo/resoluciones/cosas que has aprendido hoy (para tu propio uso—puedes poner las cosas en el espejo, etc.)

11. Coger las manos de las compañeras, amo a tu cuerpo, amo a mi cuerpo. Abazar tu propio cuerpo.

12. Conclusión: comentos, cosas buenas/malas. Impresiones del taller. ¡Gracias y despedirse!

Musica




Statements________________¿De acuerdo?____________________________Dichos

1. Amo a mi cuerpo.
I love my body.
2. Me siento influido por los opiniones de los demás.
I feel influenced by what others think of me.
3. Considero que mi cuerpo está separado de mi mismo.
I feel that my body is separate from myself.
4. Me siento sana.
I feel healthy.
5. Castigo a mi cuerpo cuando siento descontenta.
I punish my body when I feel discontent.
6. Opino que la belleza tiene muchas formas diversas.
I relieve that beauty has many diverse forms.
7. Siento que mi propia imagen corporal está influida por los medios de comunicación. ¿La moda?
I feel that my own body image is influenced by the media. Fashion?
8. Yo jusco los cuerpos de otras mujeres.
I judge other women’s bodies.
9. Mi cuerpo es fuerte.
My body is strong.
10. Mi relación con la comida y la alimentación es o ha sido complicado (y no saludable).
My relationship with food and nutrition is or has been complicated (or unhealthy).
11. Doy la culpa de mis fracasos y problemas a mi cuerpo.
I blame my body for my failures and problems.
12. Yo o alguien a quien quiero ha sufrido o luchado contra un trastorno de comportamiento alimentario u otro problema con a imagen corporal.
I or someone I love has suffered an eating disorder or some problem with body image.
13. Creo que debo cambiar mi cuerpo o algún aspeto de mi cuerpo.
I think I should change my body or some aspect of my body.
14. Creo que si cambiara esta parte desagradable de mi cuerpo, sería más feliz….tendría más éxito…yo sería más querida.
I relieve that if I changed this disagreeable part of my body that I would be happier…more successful…more loved.
15. Mi cuerpo ha dado luz.
My body has given birth.
16. Siento que he perdido parte de la belleza que tenía en otra etapa de mi vida.
I feel that I have lost some of the beauty that I had in another stage of my life.
17. Estoy orgullosa de mi cuerpo.
I am proud of my body.
18. Amo a mi cuerpo.
I love my body.

Snippets of Budapest while waiting at the airport to fly out...

Budapest was serendipitously filled with people I had met at the beginning of my time in Belgrade. I not only appreciated being around people who already know me, but also their symbolism as bookends at either end of this chapter... Snippets:

Marjo from Finland sharing the story of her grandparent's love: A woman who lost her husband in the war meets a man named Hope and a man who has the war still in his lungs meets a woman named Peace. It takes my breath away when real life is as beautiful and right as fiction.

Met an Indian soldier at a hostal in Budapest. I so easily could have not talked to him, believing him to be hitting on me, but I did, and I my preconceptions were turned upside-down. He is a UN Peace Keeper in the Democratic Republic of the Congo, and talked to me about all the hundreds of rapes they are hearing about. He told me of his sense of utter despair and helplessness to help these women, he kept saying, "you feel so cramped by this pain"... Seeing this soldier nearly doubled over describing to me the vise of his emotions will stay with me.

Marjo and I missed our bus stop, and when we stepped off the next one she didn't miss a beat, but led us right into the bright pink bar which was a few steps away, ha. It was the kind of local joint we never would have met, but while sitting at the grimy bar she addressed my feelings of intimidation wit writing about this experience in anything longer than a blog post. She brushed away my fears of "where to start?" and said that there is never a clear beginning, you just start with what you know you want to say, and only later does it take a cohesive form. This seemed very wise, and metaphoric for life as well...

Butiful Budapest

Budapest is this stunning Christmas wonderland laced with lights, hot wine, skating rinks, Christmas markets... It is this great buffer/limbo between Serbia and Spain; this blessed time to disconnect from one stage and open myself to the next. Today was a heavy cold day, so I spent it in the famous Baths. Was unbelievably relaxing and rejuvenating. Was literally, and mentally drifting in the huge open pools (which remind me of that scene in Fantasia with all the frolicking nymphs, and nearly naked people lounging around and emerging from the steam). The sky was this heavy deep blue color, lightly raining, cold shoulders and body so so hot, and this plane soared overhead. Out of my jumble of non-thoughts, I realized that will be me in a few days heading to Barcelona; but I was so glad to just take this pause. It was also nice to reconnect somehow with my body, which has been stifled under so many layers- I want to get out of the cold!

Speaking of which, the Thailand production looks like it's going to fabulous! I may literally fly into Bangkok and catch a taxi to their first event and press conference. The producer even found a flat for me to stay at, only catch being that I have to water "Frederique" the bamboo plant.

First last Sunday in Serbia

I am tying up loose ends and fixating on how to pack lighter; eating creatively to clean out the fridge and re-gifting. I am sitting in a borrowed white robe with a hot mug of tea (I already dutifully finished the coffee). Winter sun is optimistically striping my bare legs. I poke fun at myself by trying to compose witty combinations of “glad” and “sad” regarding leaving. Yesterday someone asked me what it was like to be travelling alone for so long. I floundered with no succinct answer… I mean, it is what it is- in many ways I really love it.

I ended up with some bullshit answer about having been an only child of a single parent and being accustomed to being independent. I’m not even sure this is where the truth lies though, as I have always surrounded myself by people. Similarly, the other day I found myself extremely defensive by the suggestion a friend had made to a friend that I was “maybe a bit lonely”- I mean come on! Of course I am; BUT I’m not actively lonely, and I absolutely don’t want to be doing anything other than what I am doing right now. The clouds were heavy and purple Saturday, not so Sunday, as I wandered with this French couple who is staying with us.

They are perfectly matched and so beautiful. He told me, “Well, maybe you are always saying goodbye… But you are also always saying hello” It touched me to have this stranger explain me to myself so gently. Seeing them makes me slightly melancholic but mainly (softly) hopeful to see another example of a dynamic partnership that travels and learns and loves each other so much. Last night it could have been sad to listen to their love language, but now’s not my time, and others’ romance gives me hope for my own.

As for me, I’ve been glad to even just FEEl for someone else, even though nothing can come of it. Just feeling that possibility of connection is enough for me right now- I don't know if I would even want anything to manifest. I have met a few crazy love-birds who have met people while backpacking and moved back for them, blah blah blah. I can feel my face going skeptical during these conversations. My heart is HIGHLY not up for this, no stamina anymore, but one night stands and true crushes are good enough sustenance for now- to know I can I feel, to know I can be wanted and want; that’s all I have to offer right now. But its okay.

Love Your Body Days, Quinto style ~ Amar a tu cuerpo taller

So ~ having met the dynamic and persuasive Ana while in UK for the V-Day European workshop, I was willingly-wrangled into leading a workshop in her hometown of Quinto, Spain. She loved the idea of Love Your Body Days which we do as part of S.H.E. (Strength, Health, Equality) at Willamette, and asked me to lead a similar event dealing with body image issues in Spain. Though Anthropologically this is a bit invasive, or more participant than participant-observer, something I am really learning through my research is that activists use the tactics they need in order to broach sensitive subjects. As a soon to be PhD in Medical Anthropology (her research focuses on rural Spanish women's experiences with breast cancer), Ana is well aware of this.

Yet, she is strategically using our "foreignness" to intrigue and draw the local vecinas to the workshop. Her theory is that our young/american/feminst energy, etc. will allow us to facilitate a more enthusiastic workshop, thus leading to more open discussion. It IS local in that all the motivation and organization is hers; yet just as Mexico and the Balkans use the celebrity wow factor to gain legitimacy for the VMs, she is creatively playing upon the factors that she knows will lure a broader audience. The poster is above, and the advertising e-mail below. I am really excited (asked Stina who is studying in Granada to co-facilitate with me, which works out great because she is also researching these themes) and feel full of energy and creativity to be actually DOING something myself, in contrast to this constant observance of the actions of others.

Hola a tod@s,

Como ya sabéis el DíaV Quinto 2009 está engrasando la maquinaria para otra súper-exitosa-producción.

Para ponernos a tono, el DíaV nos ha traído a dos mujeres estupendas desde los Estados Unidos. Jen y Stina serán las encargadas de dirigir el primer taller de la campaña el sábado 20 de diciembre a las 17h en la Casa de Cultura de Quinto. ¡El taller promete ser divertido así que apuntarlo en vuestra agenda y traed ropa cómoda!

El taller también es la excusa perfecta para salir de casa, reírnos un rato y después ir de vermuteo!

Para más información sobre el taller mirar el súper poster adjunto que el equipo del DiaV ha preparado con tanta iVaginación;)

Por favor, distribuir este email entre vuestros contactos de la comarca, ¡contra más seamos, mejor!

Un saludo

DiaV

Tsunami on Nikola Tesla Street

So yesterday, I was in my groove, perfect song pounding through my headphones, pondering how wimpy Serbians are about rain while running to catch a bus, only to be swamped as it washed a total tsunami of dirty street water on me. And we are talking, like, I couldn't see, there was water in my ears and my hair was soaked. So, I get on the bus, positively dripping, sputtering, but also kind of laughing at the hilariousness of the situation and dabbing mud off my face. And although obviously every single person on that crowded bus saw my incident, not a single person laughed with me or cracked a smile! It was stony faces all around. And then that made me laugh even harder. Such a foreigner.

Reminded me of the laugh attack we had in Brighton when my friend was telling about how she fell flat on her back in a drunken unbalanced moment, and instead of catching her, all the Brits just stepped out of the way of her falling body. For some reason, this incident totally made my day. Bizarre woman I am, that having nasty water splashed on me can put me in a good mood. Less than a week left in Serbia, and though I am sad I am also so invigorated about seeing new places- first Budapest and then off to Spain for a month before flying to Bangkok, Thailand. DAMMMNNNNN, international plane tickets are an aphrodisiac.

Decisive Moment

Back to childhood today- fell down and skinned my knee and went to the zoo with my friend and her little daughter. Considering the urgency that is being 22, and the current romantic irony that plunges me in alternated possibility and exhaustion, it was so nice to just slow the fuck down. See four-year old joy and trust, be touched by this tiny complete little person. I miss touch almost recklessly.

Walking to the office I saw a photograph I had studied for an assignment, ‘The decisive moment’ which submerged me into a reverie of thought. In the photograph, the man is walking on water- yet we know he is about to fall in, trench coat and all. We rarely know which moments will be decisive until they have arrived and we are changed. Yet even as I write that, I can think of a handful of utterly epic decisive moments... I remember I chose to take a quiet approach to the inspiration, and those images of my mom on the beach are some of my favorite photographs. She is quiet, trusting me, the moment is full as the frame, the shadows rich, the skin texture complex. In the other her feet are splayed in the sand, and I feel so tender towards the indentations left by her socks. I would like to appreciate quiet moments like these more.

I made some beautiful photographs at the zoo. Instead of zebras and tucans I had all these stolen little moments of mother and daughter, and they just got erased which is so incredibly frustrating! I swear, technology hates me and acts all spontaneously malevolent in ways that are theoretically impossible. For example, why did this photo upload vertically? Sigh sigh. So much for appreciating quiet moments, I'm watching a movie.

Taking it to the streets