Going 'home' is feeling more and more daunting. A few times, attempting to convince friends my life isn't perfect right now, I have gotten sucked into pity-parties thinking about my student loan-jobless-penniless existence post this adventure. Though this is usually appealingly bohemian, I apparently succeeded in depressing them, and myself. Point being, time in Thailand has been so ideal project-wise. I am moved to tears and joy and admiration on a daily basis. I'm luxuriating in amazing food, heat, massages and yoga.
I meet new people nearly every day and seem somehow blessed that most of these interactions feel truly authentic and teach me volumes. But in spite of this, or maybe because of it, I am left feeling a bit lonely. I am always the one asking questions, and although I have grown to genuinely really care for these vagina warriors, I worry few people really know me at all. I guess that's the off-shoot of both Anthropological fieldwork and this kind of activism; the self becomes more contained, dissolved into a cause that demands a sort of sacrifice that you give in bits and pieces till you don't realize how deeply you are immersed. Silly girl, that's what I wanted, to be a kind of vessel. Maybe I am just sad about leaving. I feel like I'm never doing enough. Tonight is the final rehearsal, and 30 women from Emergency Home will come see it pro-bono. I am so glad- I hope this helps bridge the gap sometimes created between glamour and professionalism and heart. I am so proud for all of them.
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