Thursday, October 16, 2008
Too much tea- weighing me down this London afternoon
Its strange how I’m studying the breaking of silence through being quiet myself. I am learning so much about listening. Spending so much time with others, absorbing their stories, so that when I have company, I feel more quiet than usual. And of course spending more time alone also means more silence; even though thoughts are ricocheting through me quicker than usual.
At slightly melancholy moments like this, I feel like a kind of neutral receptacle, a bit of a non-person. Going so many new places, making so many rich new acquaintances, but aware that no one knows me deeply, or perhaps not as well as I think I know them. I suppose I am sharing of myself in a different way than I am used to. That's how we remain open, by voluntarily sharing of ourselves. And I need to remind myself to speak out, whether asked to or not, to remind myself of who I am. Most times I feel more intensely myself than ever, but there are moments when I get lost.
And I feel so lucky to be in this experience, that I feel guilty for feeling lonely, or cranky, or whatever, because even in the midst of that is my privilege and my gratefulness for this opportunity. I remember reading some of the Watson blurbs, and they felt so self-pitying to me, so focused on the self, when I want to focus on my project, and I figure the self revelation will naturally accompany that.
I'm thinking a lot about the devastating violence Eve told us about in the Democratic Republic of the Congo, and how to know these things, and let them in, and not choke. She said, 'These women lived through hell, and survived. You are not going to die just hearing it' No, but I'm trying to learn how to give myself over to being this useful tool, and at the same time remain that "seeker of beauty" that I used to envision myself. How to care for ourselves enough to maintain our efficiency and drive, without floating indefinitely in the mundane, or petty. So after I finish transcribing this endless interview, I'm going to go out into the sunny autumn day. I'm going to go to the FREE National Gallery and look at some Boticelli, DaVinci, and Duccio. I'm going to brush up against strangers, and probably see some incredibly human detail that fills my heart and reminds me that what we are fighting for is a revival of our full humanity.
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2 comments:
I love you.
Can you send me your new address whenever you have it?
*Hugs from across the ocean*
-Steph
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