I am tying up loose ends and fixating on how to pack lighter; eating creatively to clean out the fridge and re-gifting. I am sitting in a borrowed white robe with a hot mug of tea (I already dutifully finished the coffee). Winter sun is optimistically striping my bare legs. I poke fun at myself by trying to compose witty combinations of “glad” and “sad” regarding leaving. Yesterday someone asked me what it was like to be travelling alone for so long. I floundered with no succinct answer… I mean, it is what it is- in many ways I really love it.
I ended up with some bullshit answer about having been an only child of a single parent and being accustomed to being independent. I’m not even sure this is where the truth lies though, as I have always surrounded myself by people. Similarly, the other day I found myself extremely defensive by the suggestion a friend had made to a friend that I was “maybe a bit lonely”- I mean come on! Of course I am; BUT I’m not actively lonely, and I absolutely don’t want to be doing anything other than what I am doing right now. The clouds were heavy and purple Saturday, not so Sunday, as I wandered with this French couple who is staying with us.
They are perfectly matched and so beautiful. He told me, “Well, maybe you are always saying goodbye… But you are also always saying hello” It touched me to have this stranger explain me to myself so gently. Seeing them makes me slightly melancholic but mainly (softly) hopeful to see another example of a dynamic partnership that travels and learns and loves each other so much. Last night it could have been sad to listen to their love language, but now’s not my time, and others’ romance gives me hope for my own.
As for me, I’ve been glad to even just FEEl for someone else, even though nothing can come of it. Just feeling that possibility of connection is enough for me right now- I don't know if I would even want anything to manifest. I have met a few crazy love-birds who have met people while backpacking and moved back for them, blah blah blah. I can feel my face going skeptical during these conversations. My heart is HIGHLY not up for this, no stamina anymore, but one night stands and true crushes are good enough sustenance for now- to know I can I feel, to know I can be wanted and want; that’s all I have to offer right now. But its okay.
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